It's funny how people change.

How I always make friends with my exes, after about a year.

and how now that he's got the shit knocked out of him a couple of times, Emmanuel (ex of looooonnng time.) ... Is very attractive to me. It's just strange.

It really makes me wonder, whether life holds more than one person that could make me happy, or anyone, for that matter.

Not saying I'd drop Josh for anyone, I wouldn't.

But, if that's true, it makes what I'm doing for Josh, and what he's doing for me with the distance, a whole lot less special.

It's hard seeing a person, whom.. I was in love with his potential, and eventually dumped him because his *potential* didn't cut it, develop that *potential* that I was once in love with, after being smacked around a bit.
and then, see Joshua, my love... my gorgeous, amazing boy...
struggle with treating me respectfully.
struggle with being that man that, at one point, had every bit of quality I desired...
because of depression.

It's hard. It's hard, because, even though I'm hoping this is just for a little bit of time-- it's hard seeing that.

and then it makes me wonder.

God is definitely holding out Josh for me for a reason, I would love to see why.

Seriously, I want to know what you think...
and Brian, I know you're the only one who reads this.

Call me soon.

It's weird how much the struggles Josh and I go through, remind me... that I'll never have anything quite as amazing as this.

One year, coming up soon.

And to address the future plans,

neither of us know what our future holds for us, we very well may end up anywhere in the world... We could also just end up staying in Kansas forever, but the fact of the matter... Is that I feel good about not being positive about what is going to happen in my future. I'm looking forward to "not knowing" that I'll have to stay in one silly little state on the other side of the rainbow forever, for sure.

It's weird.

He treats me poorly...
I see how he reacts when I call him out on it, and I find out... that he really does love me.
it's nice.

I hope to God that we make it.

Because I know that if we do,

we will change the world.

no joke, homez.

6 weeks until I see him.

I feel ucky...
:\
hopefully this week regenerates me.

I really need a good cuddle,

an expense-free shopping trip,

a week off,

no more homework,

a movie night with a close friend or two,

a good 'ol back rub,

some intellectual conversation,

some random moments,

and some sweet lovin'

It's funny how my family is the way it is.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.


.... and sometimes I feel so trapped by my predicament with Josh (he's a long distance boyfriend of a year, for those who read and don't know.)

I love him so ridiculously much, but it's so fucking scary.... especially when he's being a jerk like he is.

Will I waste my life?

Will I miss out on a great opportunity?

Sometimes I just don't want to stay in Kansas, anymore.

We'll see.

no title.

glassable =

fragile

complex

valuable

beautiful